Harry Potter and The Clamber of Secrets
by Pandamic
Summary: The kids are back this time to a whole new experience. Dumbledore is gone and so is Hogwarts...so what happened? Oh, don't worry, the stupid snake is in here too.


Warning: This story is rated Mature

Warning: This story is rated Mature. Do not continue reading if you are easily offended by curse words, substitute curse words, sexual themes, innuendoes, excessive violence, drugs, drug use and descriptive violence.

Second Warning: Do not continue reading if you are a hardcore Harry Potter fan and believe that he is real (not Daniel Radcliff but the character he portrays; Harry Potter). Do not continue if you don't like people poking fun at Harry Potter or any other character, or the world of Magic.

Third Warning: Do not continue reading if you are the type of person who believes that the poster on your wall of Harry Potter speaks to you at night and tells you to burn things.

Fourth Warning: Do not continue reading if you don't have an imagination or a sense of humor. Do not continue reading if you have a life.

Fifth and final warning: Do not continue if you are the type of person who believes that a person should follow the book, exactly how it is, because I certainly don't.

Please people, bare with me here. Use your imagination to imagine these scenes happening. Trust me, it makes everything the more the funnier.

Rating: Mature; 18 years old and up.

Reasons: Excessive violence, low level curse words, drugs and some sexual themes.

Prologue: The beginning thingy

Dumbledore looks at his twin. "Brother, I'm going to leave you in charge. After my kidney infection, I don't think I'll survive. It's up to you to take care of Hogwarts. I trust you'll be able to keep everything in good shape?" His brother nods. "And you promise you'll keep the clamber a secret?" His brother nods. "Alright my dear brother, I must be on my way to Hawaii where I can throw myself down the volcano and die in peace." Dumbledore picks up his bags, puts on his hat, and walks out the door. Dumbledore's twin walks over to the old oak finished desk. He runs his hand on the top of the desk and his hand stops as it approaches the name plate, "Head Professor: Albus Dumbledore." Then he slaps it off of the desk. The twin digs into his robes and pulls out a new name plate and slides it into the block of wood. The new sign looked almost identical except for the name. The name plate read:

"_Head Professor: Subla Dumbledork_"

Harry Potter and the Clamber of Secrets

Harry Potter is silently asleep in his new bed room. Since his return from Hogwarts, Harry has been threatening the Dursley family. So to appease his demand, they gave Harry the bathroom as his new room. Harry couldn't be happier. It was the night of Uncle Vernon's dinner party. Vernon had invited his boss over to try and butter her up for a promotion. Harry was locked in the bathroom to insure that he wouldn't screw up the dinner party. Of course, being Harry Potter, he couldn't help but to screw it up.

So Harry quickly stood up and grabbed a towel and stuffed it into the toilet and began flushing it repeatedly. He then clogged up the bath tub and turned on the tub's facet as high as they could go. Harry then did the same with the sink. Next, Harry took his tooth brush and chipped the bottom part of it so that it was sharpened into a make shift plastic shank. He then proceeded in stabbing at the door. Chunks of wood and paint began to fly all over the place as he repeatedly stabbed it with his shank. Harry then took out the tooth paste and began lining the paste along the cracks of the door. He then made a paste trail leading from the door, to the base of the tub. Harry quickly hopped into the half filled tub and took out his wand. He began wrapping his wand in toilet paper. Once he was satisfied with the wrapping, he took out his trusty lighter, nick named Flamo, and lit the toilet paper on fire. Using his wand as a torch, he then stuck it into the tooth paste. In an instant, the tooth paste sparked and a flame began to follow the paste trail. As the flame made it to the door, the fire separated in half, each going in opposite directions along the door. At the very top, the flames collided and a huge explosion erupted and the door was no longer there. Harry then ran to the medicine cabinet and took out some floss. He tied one end of the floss around his waste and took the floss dispenser and threw it over the stair's banister.

"And now we play the waiting game." Thought Harry as he sat in the almost fully filled bath tub. Harry looked over at the toilet and saw that the water was already over it's rim and the same with the sink. Harry then took the thin pieces of soap that he kept with him. Harry could never throw away the soap bar once it shrunk. He then slipped each skinny soap bar underneath the bath tub. He then took out his trusty Flamo and lit the soap. Within a matter of seconds, the soap exploded, launching the bath tub towards the door way. Using the water as a slide, the tub skidded on top of the water towards the stairs. The tub flew right over and straight down into the Dursley's living room while Harry remained suspended in air thanks to the floss. Water came pouring down from upstairs, instantly flooding the bottom floor. Harry, smiling, began lifting himself upstairs. He calmly walked to his room and hopped on top of his bed. "And to make sure that everyone downstairs is dead…" Harry reached over to his dresser and took out his waffle iron. He plugged it in then he simply dropped it into the water. Electricity surged through out the entire house, frying everything in its path. The neighborhood's lights began to dim low and bright. After twenty minutes of this, Harry unplugged the waffle iron and stepped down. He ran into the hall and did a belly slide all the way down the stairs and into the living room. Harry stood up in anger. "What the hell? They should be dead!" Harry looks around. "Their not even here!" Then that's when the front door opened up.

Chapter 2: You're in trouble now

"Are you out of your bloody mind?!" Uncle Vernon's face was blood red. "What were you trying to do? Kill us?! Look at my bloody house! My bloody house!"

Uncle Vernon plops down into a fried soaked arm chair while Dudley and Petunia sat on the still smoldering wet couch.

"Good thing you decided to eat out." Petunia tried to smile.

"Bloody hell right. I knew that crazy boy was up to something." Uncle Vernon slaps his forehead. He then looks at Harry. "Go to your bloody room!"

Harry runs up to his room.

"I hate them! I wish they were dead! They're so mean to me!" Harry punches his pillow.

"I could take care of that for you Mr. Potter." A small squeaky voice comes from Harry's underwear drawer.

"Whose in there? Is that you Hagrid." Harry takes out a butcher knife.

The drawer pops open and inside is a tiny house elf. "It is I! Dolby Surround at your service Mr. Potter."

Harry does a quick clean swipe.

"Ha, Mr. Potter sucks with a knife." Dolby smiles, then he looks at his ear and notices that half of it slowly slides off and lands on the floor. "I stand corrected." He licks his ear then pockets it. "Why are you mad Mr. Potter?"

"Because of my stupid uncle Vernon is an arse hole." Harry crosses his arms.

"I know what I could do to help out Harry Potter." The house elf runs out of Harry's room. Harry, having no choice but to follow, follows the elf downstairs. He then sees the elf magically lift up a cake and has it hover over uncle Vernon's head. Dolby nodded to Harry that he was going to drop it on Vernon's head. Harry shook his head no and quickly ran and grabbed the cake. Vernon looks up and sees Harry.

"What the bloody hell are you doing back down here?" Vernon's face was turning red.

"Um…I made you this cake. Here, it's my apology cake."

"Well, that was sweet of you boy." Vernon takes the cake.

Harry then looks over at Dolby and sees him using his magic to float a glass of water over Petunia. The glass begins to tip so Harry quickly pushes Petunia out of the way. The water fell onto the puddle of water that was already on the couch. Vernon looks at Harry. "DAMN IT BOY! That would have to be the worst thing you have ever done! Damn it boy! To your room! You're not going to that bloody school this year! No no no! Not this year!" Vernon lifts Harry up by his throat and throws him into Dudley's room and locks the door. Harry begins to pout.

"We got them good, didn't we Mr. Potter?" Dolby claps his hands.

Harry quickly grabs a plastic bag, places it over Dolby's head, and ties off the bottom, causing Dolby to suffocate.

WARNING

THE FOLLOWING PART IS EXTREMELY VIOLENT AND GRAPHIC. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE IDEA OF TORTURE DONE ON DOLBY. IF YOU HATE DOLBY AS MUCH AS I DO, THEN PLEASE CONTINUE READING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HATE DOLBY BUT WOULDN'T WANT THE POOR GUY TO SUFFER LIKE HE IS GOING TO SUFFER, THEN SKIP THIS PART!!

WARNING

"You think that was funny? I think this is funny!" Harry takes off his socks and places three good sized stones in each sock. Then he begins beating Dolby's head with the socks. Repeatedly, Harry struck Dolby with the socks for several minutes. Eventually Harry's arms grew tired. Dolby was sprawled out on the floor, the inside of the plastic bag was spattered with blood. Harry looked at Dolby. "Need some air you little bitch?" Harry reaches into his pocket and takes out a tooth pick and rams it down into the bag and into the back of Dolby's throat. Dolby begins to frantically wiggle around. He can't lift his head up because the back of his head was pinned down to the ground from the tooth pick. Harry then places his knees on Dolby's feet to prevent him from kicking, and Harry begins slamming a hammer on Dolby's chest. "How you like me now bitch?" Harry then heats up a nail he found. After several minutes, Harry slowly presses the super heated nail against Dolby's forehead. Harry could see the plastic melt away and he could smell the burning flesh of Dolby. Harry then reaches into his back pocket and flips out his knife and makes a small incision on Dolby's arm. Harry then forces his fingers into the cut and grabs Dolby's skin and begins peeling it back. The sound of tearing flesh drowned out the sound of Harry's heavy panting. Then Harry grabs Dolby's nails and tears them right off. He then forcibly pushes them down into Dolby's neck. And for self satisfaction, Harry grabs Dolby's finger and pulls it all the way until it cracks. He then continues to do it to all of them.

WARNING

YOU HAVE NOW SKIPPED THE VERY GRUESOME TORTURE OF DOLBY. YOU MAY CONTINUE READING NOW.

Panting furiously, Harry stood up and reached into Dudley's back pack and took out some construction paper. He placed the edge of the paper in between Dolby's toes and did a quick slice motion.

"OWWWW!" Dolby cried.

"That's what you get you little bitch!" Harry tears off the blood soaked plastic bag. "Now what is it that you want?"

Dolby begins to shudder. "I shouldn't really be here especially if my master finds out. But I came here to warn you not to return to the school."

"And why is that?" Harry lifts up his sock.

Dolby instantly cringes and shields his face. "I can not say! But I must go!" He wiggles his fingers and disappears.

"Great…now that he said that, I really want to go now! But how am I going to get there?"

Then all of a sudden a car crashes through the window.

"HOLY HELL!" Harry rolls over to the other side of the bed.

The car's doors open and Harry sees who was driving it.

"Ron! What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like? I'm here to bring you to Hogwarts!"

Harry smiles and stands up. "That was brilliant Ron, stealing your parent's magical flying car."

Ron looks at Harry with a confused face. "Magical flying car? This isn't a magical flying car."

"Then how did you get it to go through Dudley's window when it's on the second level of the house."

"Think about it Harry, I'm only twelve and I'm driving a car."

Harry thinks about it for a minute. "Alright, let's go!"

Chapter 3: Back to a Castle

"And that's all that little house elf told you?" Ron raises up an eyebrow.

"That's all he said. And I still don't know what it means." Harry rolls down the window and spits out of it.

"Hmmm…well, this is bad."

Harry sits up. "What is?"

Ron slowly turns his head to Harry and slowly closes his eyes. He then slowly reaches for his seat belt and clicks it in. "Remember when I said I'm only twelve and I'm driving a car?"

Harry nods slowly.

"Yeah, well, wouldn't you expect that I can't land this thing?"

Harry's eyes grew large and he quickly grabbed his seat belt and clicked it in. Harry then looks out the front window. "Ron! I have an idea. Try to ram into that big willow tree over there!"

"Are you out of your bloody mind Harry?"

"Trust me on this one. We'll ram right into it and it will stop the car from moving and the seat belts and air bags in the car will save us!"

Ron looks over at Harry with distrust in his eyes.

"What? The people on Titanic did the same thing and their alright…right?"

As the car is about to slam into the trunk of the tree, the tree whacks the car back. The car goes tumbling through the air, spinning out of control. Finally the car lands on its wheels. The car opens its doors and spits out Harry and Ron and drives off into the forest.

Ron stands up and brushes himself off. "What the bloody hell was it's problem?"

Harry wipes off his mouth. "Probably because I vomited in it." After Harry wipes off his mouth, he turns to see Hogwarts, or what used to be Hogwarts. "I think I know what Dolby meant." As Harry and Ron gaped at what used to be the big castle, now stood a gigantic water slide park called, "Slip 'n slide."

"I wonder if this school year will be as good as last year?" Ron asks Harry.

"We'll see."

Chapter 4: Meet the Dumbledork

"Hello everyone. I would like you all to enjoy a new year at this school. As many of you may have noticed, I do not look the same as my identical twin, Dumbledore. For I am not Dumbledore, but his identical twin who doesn't look like him, Dumbledork. As many of you may have noticed, Hogwarts isn't here. The building had to be refurnished because I got tired of that old smelly building. When my brother made me head master, the first thing I thought, 'How could I make my entrance very memorable? Easy! Make it a waterslide park!"

Dumbledork is standing at the old wooden podium dressed in a magnificent moon stone studded robe. Instead of a standard robe, his robe cuts short at his waist. The only thing covering his mid waist is a Speedo spandex. The rest of the students are dressed in swimming attire. All except Ron who is to poor to afford swimming attire is only dressed in a paper bag. Guess where that bag is.

Dumbledork clears his throat. "Any ways, I just wanted to welcome you all back and for those of you who are new, I welcome you any how. I promise this year at Slip 'n Slide will be the best year of your lives!" he throws his hands up in the air expecting cheers but no sound is heard and Dumbledork is shut down. "Err…um…all your professors are the same." He points over at the table of teachers. Professor McGonagall is dressed in one of those 1940 swimsuits where nothing is seen except an ankle. Snape is dressed in a wetsuit. The hippie teacher isn't wearing any clothes and her hair is the only thing that covers up her junk. Hagrid is wearing a beaver skin swimming trunks.

"Don't forget about me Dumbledork." Filch blurts out.

"Oh yeah, and Mr. Filch and his ugly hairy pussy." Everyone in the room gasps while some of the other students cover their ears and quietly cry. Dumbledork looks around like everyone is stupid. "What? I said ugly hairy pussy! Well Mrs. Doris is an ugly hairy pussy!" He points to Mrs. Doris who is licking her wet suited arm. Mrs. Doris is dressed in full scuba attire. Mr. Filch is wearing his normal greasy clothes.

"I kind of like this new school attire." Harry smiles at Hermoine, checking her out as he says this.

Hermoine quickly wraps her arm around her body. "I still don't see why us girls have to wear bikinis."

"I totally agree. I don't see why I have to stare at Fat-Back Gwen." Ron looks over at the Raven claw table where Fat-Back Gwen sat. Her multiple folds of rippling fat sagging over her bikini straps. "Not to mention that it also gives HufflePuff an excuse to show off their…waistlines…" Ron nods over to the pink HufflePuff table where bikini wearing boys strutted their stuff.

"And talk about strutting their stuff." Hermoine quickly looks down at Ron's mid waist.

He quickly covers him self. "It's not my fault that I'm poor and all I can use is this paper bag.

"Yeah, but I think it would work better if you wore it around your waist, rather then on your head." Harry adds.

Ron is wearing the paper bag on his head with two eye holes cut out.

"Oh, right. Bloody brilliant Harry, scary, but brilliant." He takes off the paper bag and puts it around his waist. Out of the two eye holes came out Ron's…

"Nuts! I forgot to mention that we have a new instructor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Dumbledork looked over at the teacher's table. Snape began to stand up. "Everyone, welcome the astounded writer, Mr. Lockhart!" Snape looks around then quickly sits down. A better looking, blonde headed man stands up and walks up to the podium. Dumbledork begins to swoon under Lockhart's presence.

"Thank you, old bean. Here, have an autographed picture." Lockhart pulls a picture out of his swimming trunks and hands it to Dumbledork. Dumbledork quickly takes the picture, smells it, then passes out. Lockhart turns back to the children. "As stated children, I am a very popular author known for my very true and hard earned efforts and wrote books on them. Such as, "How I, Lockhart discovered America" or my other book, "How I, Lockhart discovered Electricity" and my now and very popular book, "How I, Lockhart discovered that Cats are real animals!" Everyone in the room gasps, even Mrs. Doris.

"He's amazing!" Hermoine begins to drool.

"He's exquisite!" Professor McGonagall blushes.

"He's hott!" Dumbledork giggles.

"He's full of crap!" Harry blurts out.

"Yeah! He's full of carp!" Ron stands up.

"No idiot, not carp, crap." Harry elbows Ron.

"Why not just say shi." Ron looks around. "Shi…ship…sip…shi…How come whenever I try to say shi it's bleeped out or changed to a word that sounds the same to it?"

"Because the author refrains from using the 'Hardcore words."

"And which one are those, Harry?"

"Ship, Truck, and Moo."

Ron stands there, thinking about the words. "Ok, I get what ship and truck sound like, but what does moo sound like?"

"A cow." Far off in a distance someone yells out, "You suck, that was lame."

Lockhart continues on with his speech. "I hope to see you all in my class." Lockhart throws his arms in the air and everyone cheers. Lockhart walks off the podium and Dumbledork quickly runs on with his arms in the air hoping to get a cheer. But as soon as he reached the podium, it grew silent.

"Well then…I'm hungry. Are you all hungry?" There is a loud cheer. "Then let the feast of a thousand fingers begin!" Dumbledork raises his hands to the air and lighting arcs out of his fingers. With a flash, food appears in front of everyone.

Ron's eyes grow large. "Is this what I think it is?"

Harry and Hermoine nod. "Yes Ron, it is…FOOD!!"

Ron instantly dives into his food, devouring every last bit of it and placing the plate and utensils into his back pack. But the fork fell and stabbed his…"

"Nuggets! Those are my chicken nuggets!!" Hermoine snatches some ball shaped chicken.

"You're lucky I'm letting you have them Hermoine." Harry smiles at Hermoine.

"And why is that?" she sticks a nugget in her mouth.

He looks down at her waist.

"Because after bending for that nugget, your bottom string snapped and I can see your…"

"Foul belated pussy!" Dumbledork kicks Mrs. Doris out of his way. "She was after me lucky charms!" Dumbledork wraps his arms around a box of Lucky Charms Cereals.

McGonagall looks at Dumbledork. "Is this chapter going to be full of…"

"Innuendoes!" Lockhart blurts out to Snape.

"Oh, I got it." He strikes off the word "innuendoes" off of his crossword puzzle. "Now, what is a five letter word for a one eyed snake?"

"Penis!" Ron blurts out. Everyone stops eating and looks at Ron in disgust and anger.

Dumbledork throws down his box of Lucky Charms. "That's it, you ruined it Ron, everyone to bed, this dinner shin dig is over!" Dumbledork claps his hands and all the food disappears. Everyone gets up, mad at Ron, and head for their dorms.

Chapter 4: Classes begin again

"Ok, here are my classes, Women's rights in a Wizard's world, Kind treatment of the Muggle Kind, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Divination, Animal Care, Destruction of Muggles, Death to the Salesman, Lifeguard Class, Home economics, and Harry Potter Assassin."

Harry quickly turns to Hermoine. "What was the last class?"

"What? Home EC?"

"Never mind."

"What classes do you have?" She swings her books over her shoulder.

"I have, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Animal Care, and Hero class."

Hermoine then turns to Ron who she notices taping the eye holes on his paper bag pants. "I don't think you should tape it to the skin."

"Quiet up woman. I know what I'm doing. Any ways, my classes are, Learning how to Read, Proper Hygiene, Dumpster Diving, and Defense Against the Poor People."

Harry turns away from Ron's…bag. "How come you have so many classes?"

Hermoine smiles. "Because, I'm beautiful!" She spins around and flicks her hair and billions of cameras begin to flash.

"Dude! You're only twelve!" Ron blurts out.

"I'm thirteen in Muggle years!" She pouts.

"Whatever, you'll pass out from exhaustion." Harry grabs his surf board and walks to his class.

"Guess we'll see you at lunch Hermoine." Ron walks over to the stair well and hops onto a water slide that takes him to his first class.

"Whatever!" Hermoine jumps on another water slide that takes her up some stairs to her first class.

Out of no where, Dumbledore runs and slides on his stomach on a water slide that leads to his office. "WEEEEeeee!"

"Welcome to your first class children. This is Defense Against the Dark Arts! You have all made a wise decision to take this class while I rule it. You will all be privileged to be taught by a world renown master of defeating dark and evil smelling things. For your first in class assignment, I would like two of you students to battle to the death because this class is over crowded." Lockhart looks over at Harry and Draco. "You two look like good friends, you two should duel."

Draco looks sharpely over at Lockhart. "We, are not good friends sir. We are mortal enemies." He looks over at Harry and quickly and aggressively points at Harry. "ENEMIES!"

Lockhart smiles. "Then it should make it even easier for you two to duel."

Harry takes his finger out of his nose. "I accept your challenge Draco!"

The students form a circle around Harry and Draco.

"Whenever you are ready boys." Lockhart sits back.

"You're going down Potter!" Draco takes out his wand.

"You're going down on me Malfoy!" Harry winks at Draco, motions pushing Draco's head onto Harry's lap, and takes out his wand.

"Imperious Curse!" Malfoy chants.

Harry, growing up knowing to trust his Wussy Senses, ducked and avoided the blast. Harry quickly stood up and jabbed his wand into Draco's belly button, which, by the way, really really hurts.

"Use your wand Potter!" Yelled Mr. Lockhart. So Harry quickly jabs Draco in the eye with his wand. "No you idiot, use your magic!"

"Fine! Throwah Stickah!" No flash or energy comes out.

"What was that supposed to do Potter?" Draco puts his hands down.

"This!" Harry pegs Draco in the other eye with his wand.

"I'm blinded! Blinded forever! Doomed to walk a forever existence in a black dark world! Blinded by a Potter! NOOOOOOooooooooo."

Lockhart rolls his eyes and walks over to Draco. "You're always so dramatic. Here, let me take a look." Lockhart pulls the wand out of Draco's eye and blood splurts up. The blood begins to ooze its way down Draco's face and onto the floor. "Oh don't worry. Your eye is just a little bit red, nothing to serious." Lockhart hands Harry his wand back and Harry quickly notices that an eye is stuck on his wand. "You'll be fine Draco. Now, quickly get out of my class room you useless nun."

"Finally! I'm out of that class! Free from the bonds of restrictions and walls! I feel so free! These clothes feel so constricting!" Harry rips off his swimming trunks. "I'm finally free! Blahahahaha!" Harry runs for the closes water slide and hops onto it, stomach first. Little did Harry know, but the "Out of Service" sign fell down. Harry's skin felt the burn of the friction and well, I'm sure you all could imagine.

"Mate, that was just one class, we still have to go to the other ones." Ron picks Harry up.

"Never! The bonds of oppression will never hold me back! Blahahaha!" A red skinned Harry runs to the grand hall where everyone was eating and Harry shook his junk. Then quickly runs back to the broken water slide and once again attempts to slide down it.

"That boy is messed up in the head." Hermoine says to Ron.

"I know…I know." Ron picks up a lit cigarette and presses it against his skin.

"Welcome back everyone, especially 'Ary." Hagrid smiles at Harry. "Welcome back to another fine year with me, Hagrid, the jolly green giant."

One of the children raises their hand. "What is it Dean?"

"What do you mean by jolly green and giant for you are none of these."

Hagrid's face turns red. "First off you little shi. I am always happy! Happy happy happy….HAPPY!" Hagrid grabs a bunny and twists its head off. "See! Happy! Second off, I am green! Look at my clothes!" He's wearing a blood colored swimming trunk. And look at me skin!" Hagrid's skin has been tanned. "And most of all, I am a Giant!" Hagrid points out how much taller he is then everyone else in the room even though all the children are only four foot something and Hagrid is only eight feet high. "I am a giant! I am a giant!" Hagrid rolls up into a ball and starts sucking on his thumb, chanting, "I am a giant!" over and over.

"Well isn't this just lovely. I get to spend another year with that stupid dolt of a wizard, Harry Potter. I really hate his guts. I should have let him die in the first year."

"Um sir, I don't think you should have said that out loud." Ron says out loud.

"Was I thinking out loud again?" Snape glares at Ron's bag.

"Yes."

"Well then, everyone turn to page fifty four. There you will see a picture of a donkey. Read it and memorize it, for I will test you on the magical properties of the donkey."

"But there is only three magical properties of the donkey and most of them don't help or do anything." Harry says.

"Most of those properties are good for killing children like Harry Potter." Snape says out loud.

"You spoke out loud again sir and I would have to say it offended me." Harry's lip begins to tremble.

"Oh, what are you going to do now? Sue me? Use your American privilege and sue me? Are you going to show how much of a man you are and sue me? Get your big fancy lawyer and sue me huh? Think you're all that because you can sue. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Potter. When I was your age, we didn't solve everything by suing. We used representatives in courts who helped us get the other person's money. We didn't go around suing like you young people. We were the kick ass generation. All you are, are just the turds that fell out of the asses we kicked."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Harry says, sounding angry.

"Your mom! DISSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" Snape just sits there, making the hiss noise.

Then all of a sudden, a loud yell is heard. Everyone stands up and runs out of the room, towards the source of the noise. Everyone runs to find Filch on his knees, crying over Mrs. Doris stiff body. There are words on the wall, done in blood red ink. The wall read,

"_Stay away from the freaking clamber of secrets or all shall die like a pig being cooked for a feast of five hundred except four hundred of them are sick from eating chicken from a previous meal and twenty five of the healthy people are to poor so they decide to skip out of the meal and the other fifty are still going because they think the food is great but the last twenty five's rides were broken so they weren't able to get to the big meal."_ Everyone walks to another wall where the message continues.

"_You know what else is pretty good to have at a restaurant is the chicken cordon bleu with the French onion soup and the biscuits and how I love biscuits especially for breakfast with some eggs and bacon and some orange juice which also brings up the topic that it is very important for you to drink orange juice so that you may grow up big and strong_." Everyone begins following the message to the stair well and begin walking down it, following the message.

"_One time during breakfast I was like to my brother no way and he was like way and my other brother was like no and then my other brother was like yes and then the other older brother was like dragons this and dragons that and I was like your stupid and mom was like no you are and it was great fun and all of that and aw crap I just ran out of ink…_"

"My god! Who could have done this?!" Filch turns to the children. "I bet it was one of you playing a mean trick on me! Damn you! Damn you all!" He grabs the closes child and chucks him out the window.

Dumbledork puts his arm around Filch. "Calm down ol' boy. Mrs. Doris is alright, she's just been petrified."

"That's one hard wet pussy." The nurse picks up Mrs. Doris from the puddle she laid in.

"Alright everyone, back to bed. I grow tired of these pussy jokes." Dumbledork shrivels down and leans to the left.

Chapter 7: Make her Myrtle Moan

"So what happened?" Harry asks Hermoine.

"Apparently, Zack was petrified to." She tells Harry.

"So now Zack is stuck with the camera to his face and isn't moving." Ron mentions.

"Just like Mrs. Doris…" Harry trails off. Then realizes something. "What exactly was Zack doing with his camera?"

"He was taking pictures of the girl's room. No guy knows what it looks like except for one person." Ron adds.

"Who?" Harry and Hermoine ask at the same time.

"James Potter. I think he was your dad Harry. Legend tells of James being the first boy to make it to the girl's room. They said he never told the secrets and took them to the grave. That's probably why…He…killed him. He who shalt not be named probably killed James because James wouldn't share the secret." Ron looks down.

"Probably." Harry smiles and turns back to Hermoine. "Was there another message for this one?"

Hermoine nods. "This one was short and sweet though. It mentions something about a monster. I've been looking up what it could possibly be."

"Then we'll join you in the library." Harry stands up.

Ron looks at Harry with confusion on his face. "Harry, what is a 'library?"

Harry looks at Ron then realizing who it was, Harry slapped his forehead. "I'm sorry Ron, I forgot how poor you were. A library is the home of all the books in the world."

"Sounds like a wonderful place. Tell me Harry, will we be going there soon?"

Harry ruffles Ron's hair. "Of course we are, Hermoine and I that is. You're still to poor to enter a library."

Ron looks down sadly.

"Let's go Hermoine." Harry and Hermoine jump onto the water slide that takes them to the library.

As Harry looked around in the library, a book magically falls to the ground. As Harry goes to pick it up, a vision appears right before his eyes. He sees a young boy walk into a room in a very suspicious manner. The boy takes out his wand and points it to what appears to be a younger version of Hagrid. The boy begins to speak to Hagrid.

"I know it was you who released the monster."

Hagrid stumbles back. "But he would'ent hurt aye fly!"

"What are you talking about you big oaf. It's a freaking spider! Of course it would hurt a fly!"

"Your mum would!" Hagrid runs for the door but the boy flicks his wand and the door locks.

"Just wait until Dumbledore gets here, he'll fix you. He'll fix you good!"

Then before he knows it, Harry is pulled out of this vision. He finds himself face to face with Hermoine.

"I found the monster." Hermoine pulls Harry over to a table.

"And how did you manage to do that when there are forty other animals that have the same ability to freeze people and write messages on the wall?" Harry sits.

"The monster didn't write the message on the wall you idiot. Any ways, the monster is called a Baskalisk. A giant snake like creature. Known to be very bad tempered and long. It says here that if you do encounter a Baskalisk, you do not want to look into it's eyes for doing so will cause instant death."

"How does looking into a monster's eyes cause you to die?"

"He shoots lasers at them but the lasers aren't harm full to anything else but your eyes because as the lasers travel through your pupils, the cones and rods in the back of your cornea refract them into your brain's frontal lobe which contains the information to run your heart."

Harry looks at her in a confused look but still nods any ways. "But that doesn't explain why the others survived."

"Who knows?"

"Your mom!" The librarian shouts. "Now if you two don't shut the hell up, I'm gonna have to raise a little bit of hell, up in hea!" She rolls up her sleeves.

Chapter 8: What did I say about the forest?

As the children head toward their room, a bumbling giant comes running towards them.

"Hey keeds, I want to…" Hagrid looks around. "Show you something…in my hut."

"But aren't students forbidden to go into teacher's quarters?" Hermoine asks.

"Oh, no worries chil'ren, I'm no teacher!" Hagrid smiles.

"Yay!" All three kids cry out as they skip along behind Hagrid to his smelly old hut.


End file.
